The word itself seems so harsh, “unlovable” it’s almost a synonym for loneliness. But in my quest to better understand myself and what I need in a relationship I sometimes toy with the idea that I might be, in fact it scares me to think I am. I’ve only had two real relationships in my life, the rest just seem like meaningless blips now and for good reason, I never opened myself up to them. I tend to push people away before I even meet them it’s a defense mechanism I’ve built up to keep people who aim to waste my time out of my life, but this also keeps out the good people who never get a chance to show me.
I remember a time when I optimistically thought that I would find meaningful and lasting relationships and the sadness I felt when I realized that wasn’t always the case, and may never be. Though I still don’t think it will be I’ve learned more about myself and why I am the way I am. I was never raised to see the bad in people or to be judgmental so maybe that’s why I always believed peoples spoken words before I saw their meaningful actions. Ava’s father was a clear testimony to this, after all his transgressions against me while we were teenagers, and beyond, there were major red flags but I ignored them for the sake of loving someone and maybe being able to fix them. But you cannot fix people, especially people who aren’t broken, they just aren’t for you.
I’ve met my fair share of people who aren’t for me, even ones I grew to love and still have love for, and it takes great effort to learn to mourn someone who is still alive. Mourning the person, you thought they were, the person they said they’d be and the memories they’ve left behind for you to sift through. In a sense, I think we mourn the place we wanted them to hold in our lives, we saw their potential but they had no interest in living up to it.
In all of this is where I began to think maybe I’m part of this problem, this hamster wheel of sadness. I am by no means easy to deal with, I am moody, indecisive, sometimes cold and sometimes selfish and maybe despite my good qualities they’re too much to handle. Yet I refuse to change because I believe somewhere the road will rise up to meet me, but what if the road is one with only a single lane, for myself and myself alone. Technically I know I am not alone, I have family and I have my daughter but the kind of loneliness I’m talking about can only be quelled by an equal, a counterpart.
Somewhere out there maybe there is someone for me, maybe he’s just as lost as I am or maybe he merely doesn’t exist. Whatever the case may be this endless journey of self-discovery and self-awareness feels like a relentless one at times, and though I find my life full of people who love me I still feel unlovable. But maybe that is the purpose all this, to teach me to love all of myself before I give someone else the chance to.